Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
