i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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