Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
