My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
