Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
