I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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