My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
