i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
