Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
