Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
