You can't special order awesome
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
