you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
