I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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