fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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