What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
