I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
