I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just found a bag of teeth...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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