a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
