The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
