apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
