Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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