last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Pooping to opera.
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