I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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