Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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