i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize