Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
