It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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