I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
