Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
