im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
