He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
