if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
