I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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