You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
