I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
