I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
