DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
