Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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