He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Pooping to opera.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
