I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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