Betty ford says i'm here all night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
