all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
