I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
