also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just took my morning after pill in the library
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
