Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
