My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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