We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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