The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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