i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
