I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize