ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
