dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
