You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
