you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
