I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
