I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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