You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
