I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
