The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
