I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
