So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
